A Guest Blogger’s poem exploring her experience of shame, vulnerability and strength through sharing in her recovery from anorexia.

Shame 

The word that clouds me,

Stops me from being real.

Being open.

Honest.

True to myself, others

and the world I am in.

Feeling like your forbidden to have your voice,

To be heard and seen.

To openly talk about your pain,

trauma, suffering.

The daily battle you have with a mental illness(s),

The shame of speaking the words.

It was like my lips were zipped and never to be undone

For the words to be in the open,

Out loud.

The fear of what will happen if you talk.

Judged? Embarrassed?

10 years of not talking,

Pushing on

Trying to hide.

Trying to fit in.

And not show my struggle

Hiding my illness.

Burying.

 masking.

Living this dual life,

The inside doesn’t match up with the outside.

My battle, my journey, experience, diagnosis

The shame I feel from it all

 Hurts skin deep,

It stings,

 even though I couldn’t help it.

I couldn’t control what was happening.

I was lost.

The exhaustion of hiding

To be accepted by others, society

and I never felt like I could be me.

I have realised all along that i was feeling ashamed

But I have also realised that there is

Nothing wrong with having a mental illness

Being in hospital

Being on medication

Being in therapy

Needing help of any kind.

By connecting more, opening up

Bit by bit

Piece by piece

Day by day

Allowing myself to feel vulnerable

To talk

Say the words

Share.

I have learnt how strong and powerful that can be

That you’re not alone and that it is not a weakness.

Mental illness doesn’t define you

Anorexia doesn’t define me,

It is a part of the journey I have been on.

It has made me stronger in many ways,

But I am still a Mollie.

The Mollie that has been hidden for a very long time

 in the hold of a cruel illness

But I am finally coming back home to her.

Leave the shame at the door – at Orri, you are amongst friends. The whole of you is welcome here.

Has this inspired you? If you have piece of writing or poem based on your experiences of eating disorders, recovery or mental health, you can share it in our A space for you page.

couple embracing each other in blue clothing by a field

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