A Guest Blogger’s poem exploring her experience of shame, vulnerability and strength through sharing in her recovery from anorexia.
The word that clouds me,
Stops me from being real.
True to myself, others
and the world I am in.
Feeling like your forbidden to have your voice,
To be heard and seen.
To openly talk about your pain,
The daily battle you have with a mental illness(s),
The shame of speaking the words.
It was like my lips were zipped and never to be undone
For the words to be in the open,
The fear of what will happen if you talk.
10 years of not talking,
Trying to hide.
Trying to fit in.
And not show my struggle
Hiding my illness.
Living this dual life,
The inside doesn’t match up with the outside.
My battle, my journey, experience, diagnosis
The shame I feel from it all
Hurts skin deep,
even though I couldn’t help it.
I couldn’t control what was happening.
I was lost.
The exhaustion of hiding
To be accepted by others, society
and I never felt like I could be me.
I have realised all along that i was feeling ashamed
But I have also realised that there is
Nothing wrong with having a mental illness
Being in hospital
Being on medication
Being in therapy
Needing help of any kind.
By connecting more, opening up
Bit by bit
Piece by piece
Day by day
Allowing myself to feel vulnerable
Say the words
I have learnt how strong and powerful that can be
That you’re not alone and that it is not a weakness.
Mental illness doesn’t define you
Anorexia doesn’t define me,
It is a part of the journey I have been on.
It has made me stronger in many ways,
But I am still a Mollie.
The Mollie that has been hidden for a very long time
in the hold of a cruel illness
But I am finally coming back home to her.